Current feelings at age 19.
The first 3-hour super long interview after turning 19
Regarding acting, thoughts about music, and "performance"
What she thinks about while by herself, what she feels, and what she can finally touch
Since gracing the cover of the special edition issue released on April 30, 2019, the last day of Heisei, she has been interviewed by us again after 1 year and 4 months. In these 1 year and 4 months, Hirate is now on her own after leaving the Keyakizaka46 that she had been a part of for 5 years since debut. After experiencing a turbulent 18th year, on June 25 this year, she turned 19.
Interviewing Hirate almost every year has created a natural rhythm between her and this magazine.
Before the interview, we (me and the staff, and occasionally Hirate would join in) would almost always hold a long conversation.
What she wants to say now, what events have triggered her to think, is she still conflicted, does she have any "immature ideas" that can be brought out through conversing, and has she had any new discoveries? Through the passing of another year and as she grows older, what changes have occured in the mind of Hirate, and what has not changed?
Collecting the “fragments of reality” like this, arranging them in chronological order and sharing them to figure out when and where this interview should be conducted, and the best time to publish this interview.
This is her first interview after turning 19. When we talked about making this as this interview’s theme, I personally also felt it was very suitable.
What has already concluded and what is now beginning within Hirate’s mind? We hope to hear her discuss these positive topics.
To sum up, this interview starts with the topic of value orientation, including what is "performance", what is "responsibility", and what is "music" for the 19-year-old Hirate, and then moves onto some essential topics such as what Hirate wants to inform the readers in advance through this magazine.
Hirate tells us about her views on film projects such as "The Night Beyond the Tricornered Window" and "The Fable", her dance collaboration on "FNS Song Festival", and her wonderful performance in Mrs. GREEN APPLE's MV. When mentioning her experiences she has a particularly bright tone, and we can feel that she is spending each day in a happy and fulfilling way.
Although as usual this long interview lasted more than 3 hours, Hirate’s words were similar to a self-Q&A and slowly revealed her 19-year-old heart to us.
I will be very pleased if you can once again feel the true agitation of Hirate Yurina’s heart while living these rapidly-changing days and experience some resonance through this interview today.
Long time no see.
Yes, it’s been a long time.
It’s already been 1 year and 4 months since your previous interview for last year’s April cover issue. There are no particular topics that need to be discussed today. Since a lot of things have happened in the past 1 year and 4 months, feel free to talk about what kind of mood you have while spending your days, what you have thought about so far, what you want to know, and so on. However, if we insist on choosing a theme, it would be "What does performance mean for Hirate?". First of all, how do you spend your days now?
I am currently shooting for the movie "The Fable", we’re at a critical point where filming could possibly be finished tomorrow. Filming itself started before the pandemic, but it was put on hold for a period of time and now can finally be resumed. This work’s filming period can be considered very long, and fortunately, I participated in a lot of scenes and a large number of days was required for filming. Because of this, a lot of time was spent communicating with various staff. As expected, in the beginning—of course, this applies for everything everytime, I felt very, very nervous and uneasy. Even when filming resumed, most of my feelings were filled with unease. Fortunately, when faced with someone like me, the staff would always gently comfort and take care of my emotions, which made me feel their kindness. That’s why now I feel a little lonely. However, the work will not be completed unless the filming is finished (laughs). It would be great if it could become a good work.
You mentioned that you “always feel uneasy when filming begins”. I think up to now, Hirate has encountered many things that can cause unease. What kind of unease do you feel?
For movies...I often worry about things like “Can I really express the character I am portraying?” or “Can this work become better as a result of my participation in it?” or “Have I caused trouble for anyone?”
Do you think that there have been any changes in terms of the essence of the unease you feel now and before?
No, not at all. I'm still very uneasy now, I guess I will still be uneasy after the movie is finished, and I will continue to be uneasy even when it is released. I think I will always be like this. I still have no confidence in myself. Whether it’s the director, the other actors, or the staff, can I respond to everyone’s expectations?...this is probably how I’m feeling.
I think you were the same while in Keyakizaka. At that time, you were probably thinking about "How much responsibility can I bear on my shoulders" and "How far can I go to fight for Keyakizaka", these ideas about “Facing yourself” were likely stronger. But now, it's more likely that thoughts of "I’m being burdened with the concerns of many people" and "I want to respond to the expectations of people around me" have the upper hand.
Indeed. That's probably it...I just realized it after you spoke. How to put it, I personally like to spend a long time on creating a single work and having various discussions with everyone regarding the work. But in reality, I’m unable to become very absorbed during the rehearsal or preparation stage. I think during the actual shooting because there’s a camera shooting and a certain atmosphere or aura on set, it’s definitely more interesting to become absorbed in the performance. I became more convinced of this when I plunged into the world of movies. It suddenly dawned on me, "It turns out that creation is something like this." I think I finally understand why I like to create so much.
Because it is the result of the efforts of many people.
Yes. I often have moments when I see this with my own eyes or feel this in person, so maybe that's why I think so.
During this process, have you ever felt any particular pressure or responsibility that led you to enter a state of self-discovery?
Yes, I have. Quite a lot. Everyday (laughs). The movie is about to be completed, "The acting for that page (of the script) is over", although I don’t have a real sense of this at all, there is no way for me to do a reshoot. I will keep thinking "It’s fine if there’re no problems"... But, in fact, I’ve noticed since the past that if I’m alone, my attention will deviate. I feel that it’s not right, so I often ask a nearby manager, "What do you think?"
Because it involves many people, you are led to wonder uneasily: Can I respond to everyone's expectations? Can I become the self that everyone desires? If you think this way, you won't be able to escape your anxiety.
That's right. I just recently talked about this topic with my manager. After discussing it for a while, I thought "Well, there is no way to escape it." It's completely a result of my personality.
Although this is only my personal impression, I’ve always felt that the past Hirate believed in being able "to put an end to these uneasy days". Once something occured, you would let go of everything. In this way, it feels like Hirate is always in a state of being pushed to the limit. Although you’re doing things while challenging the limit, it gives people the impression that you have accepted it, as if the anxiety and pressure on your back have become part of "your" daily life. Have you felt a change in this regard? What do you think?
I’ve been thinking that it would be nice if the day that I don’t think about these things would come... But because of my personality, I think "I can't change it"... I always feel that I say things like "I’m so worried", "Ah, I’m so nervous!" to many people. Although I sometimes wonder if others will be annoyed from hearing it, this is the kind of person I am. Of course, especially when I’m creating something, this kind of feeling will increase sharply, and I’ve wondered if I would relax a bit after completing it. There are also times when I don’t think about anything.
A situation where you become uneasy whenever you are creating works seems unavoidable. However, does Hirate feel worried about being “alive” itself?
Ahhh--- (laughs).
So-called being alive, often even if you feel a little uncomfortable and don't know what is right, you will go on in a daze. Do you always have this kind of emotion where you are worried or feel that there is some deviation, whether within or outside your works?
For sure. Whether it’s within or outside my work, I’m constantly pondering things. Unfortunately, time is running out [for the interview]. Let’s move on to the next topic. After we finish, there may be more time to expand on this topic.
When this issue is released your collaboration with Naotaro Moriyama would have already been broadcasted on TV. Was this something that you personally wanted to do?
Yes. I really like music, and I always feel that I don't want the colour of music to disappear from myself. Also, after listening to this song, Moriyama's own message, and the thoughts of the TV station staff, my immediate instinct was that "This is a song that must be delivered right now." I also felt that "I can’t not do this, I must deliver it".
What reason makes this something that "must be delivered” for Hirate?
Well... the situation right now is one that nobody could have expected, how should I put it... I haven't heard any good news since 2020. In this situation, when looking at this song’s title, lyrics, etc., there may be a heavy feeling, but that’s not what I wanted to convey. It’s just that among many performances, if I only blindly convey "Live on", "Cheer up", "Let's overcome the difficulties together" and other emotions, I wonder: "Is this really acceptable to people who see the lyrics?" Because there are so many types of people who feel emotions, which position can I take to express a performance that is relatable for the audience? So, I thought it would be good if I could spend some time being relatable to the audience.
Since the beginning, Hirate has not had an attitude of "No matter what I do, this is who I am", but is someone who thinks about "What should I do as I am now".
Yes. Movies, TV shows, and stages, maybe they have various forms and are somewhat different in one way or another. For example, when I’m doing music or live performances during which time cannot be stopped, I may have to fully consider what is needed at the time, what is lacking, what people are eager for, things like that.
It feels like you want to "fill" the vacancies that are lacking in the current era, and you want to become something that makes up for the deficiencies?
Um... how to put it... I think it would be nice if I could support someone more or less, or create an opportunity for something to happen.
This thought has never changed?
I don’t think this has ever changed. I feel like I will continue [to feel this way].
But, maybe, for your performances after going solo, will there be any tendency for you to change this consciousness?
No, no matter now or in the past this is unchanging.
Although you have many considerations such as “What is lacking in the current era”, you didn't explicitly say them while you were in Keyakizaka. Have you actually felt this way the entire time?
Yes, I did.
Hirate, you have been hiding your personal feelings up until now, right. Always.
Yes, especially since the beginning of this year, after the pandemic outbreak many things underwent changes, so this wasn’t really an unnecessary worry.
Although many people know that the current era is lacking something, and feel that “The world has changed”, many think that “There’s nothing that can be done” and continue to live helplessly, myself included. However, even in such times Hirate won’t give up, right?
Yes, that’s right. Rather than not giving up, it’s mainly that I feel “Because the world has turned into this, is there anything that I can do?”.
What have you been thinking about these days?
Um, I think it was around one week before the stay-at-home period ended? I heard that I was going to appear in Mrs.GREEN APPLE’s “WanteD! WanteD!” MV. I was shocked, since it was a song that I was familiar with and also really liked. After accepting this job, I said that due to the pandemic many people have lost motivation because they are unable to take part in graduation or school entrance ceremonies, unable to meet those that they want to meet, and because of the cancellation of Koshien. Since this is the case, through this project I want those people to be able to look forward and to keep striving towards the things they want to accomplish. I want to deliver these thoughts not only to the people that I face but also those who are on my team. To be honest, what did you think of the MV?
It was a wonderful mess.
I feel like I’m unable to hear your candid impression of it (laugh).
To describe it in a strange way, I thought that it was “so cunning”. For Hirate to release such a large amount of energy, it was too powerful.
Eh~
Hirate’s performance was as excellent as expected, it was very pure. Also, I thought “Ah, if it’s Hirate she would likely say that ‘I’m just doing my job’”.
Ahahahaha.
I think it wasn’t like “I see, this is the reason that I’ll be wearing this outfit and dancing this choreography”.
It was the reason, although the whole song was choreographed, most of what was used was ad-lib (laugh).
Is that so?
Yes. Most of the scenes showed me running around freely. I thought, “Hmm, I clearly remember dancing during this part…”
How did you feel after [shooting the MV]?
As expected I heard a lot of people say that...since I was smiling so brightly, there were speculations such as “It’s great that you withdrew from Keyakizaka”, “You can smile since you’ve withdrawn right?”. In reality that was simply because of how the song was, and the expressions and movements which were born from the song, so I thought that “It has nothing to do with that.” I haven’t performed such a fast-paced and Western-style song before, and it was the first time I’d performed lyrics that had slight ironic meaning. How should I put it, since this was all brand new and fresh for me, all kinds of expressions were born. So really, it’s all thanks to this song. I originally really liked Mrs-san, I went to as many lives as I could and I watched many live videos. Since I was deeply attracted by the energy of the main vocal mo-kun’s (please let me refer to him this way) voice, before anything I needed to do it with an aura that won’t lose to this energy. Should I call it a multiplying effect or a feeling of wanting to match it? Therefore, using this MV as an opportunity, I read the lyrics once again and relistened to the song, so I was definitely the most happy person [about this collaboration]. I listened to the song right when it came out, and I really received a considerable amount of support from it. The lyrics can touch your heart and make you exclaim "Eh? How does it know about these emotions?". I was able to learn more about the song's emotions, and mo-kun also said that he "sang it in an ironic way". It would be great to express this kind of mocking feeling. I felt a little uneasy because it was a performance I’ve never done before, but if I can just be seen as the girl in the song "WanteD! WanteD!" instead of "Hirate Yurina", I would be happy. There are very cute changes and cute dances during the middle of the song, which match its mocking expression very well. On the bridge near the end, isn't there a scene where I go "Wah--" and run away? When we watched it together, manager-san asked, "Is this kid a fool?" (laughs). I was really happy, I would be really happy if I could be seen as a "fool" there. Because I personally feel that the protagonist of the lyrics of "WanteD! WanteD!" must be a fool who doesn’t think at all about their own affairs or the past. They just want to escape from the adults and is constantly searching for something. Generally speaking, don’t we always use "Yay--" to express our emotions? But [they] express these emotions even more freely! (laugh), like "Yaaay--!!" when jumping around, with a "Wah--!" facial expression and both hands raised high like "Bang--". So someone shouted "What a fool" (laugh). I'm very happy to think that it "could be interpreted like this".
I see, that’s awesome. I could also see that the protagonist is a very charming kid.
Eh---
Although they appear to be a fool and is sometimes stubborn, I can feel their charms. This is also a strong point of Hirate. Of course, this is related to the close affinity between Hirate and the song, but I think being able to express a sense of consistency between the outside and inside is precisely because Hirate’s image is very distinctive.
Where should I begin? We specifically used Katakana to write the lyrics and I wanted to express the “That kid is a fool, but is living life smoothly” part well. Also, near the end of the chorus the part of “There’s no need to be flustered/It’s alright to realize things slowly”, if you listen to it normally, you will interpret it as “It’s fine to not be flustered, it’s fine to slowly realize things”. But if you listen to it carefully, you’ll notice a “?”. So, I don’t think even they (the protagonist) themselves understands. I also wanted to properly convey this. We continuously discussed this part. It was completely left up to me, in a good way. The two of us discussed for about 4 hours. I’m glad that my affairs were considered so thoroughly. I also received many words of thanks and inspiration. I’m really grateful to Mrs-san, it would be great if we could work together again.
I see, when Hirate is considering which project to accept, rather than memorizing the choreography or song you’re originally given and then expressing it well, you first pay attention to other important things. These other things probably include whether you can achieve “100 percent dedication of your mind and body”. So what do you actually think about it?
That’s exactly how I think about it (laugh). I want to dedicate myself to the work and not give up halfway. I want to do things clearly, if I’m going to do it then I’ll go all out, if I can’t do it then I can’t do it.
This is probably a part of Hirate’s attitude, guideline, or etiquette in life.
Hahahaha. But, if I’m not like this, it’ll be rude to the other party and their team, plus the people working together. This is just my personal way of doing things, it isn’t necessarily correct. Everyone has their own criteria. If there’s a different approach, I would think “Please tell me, hurry up and tell me!” (laughs).
But unfortunately, Hirate might never come to know the other approach.
Really...Well, I can quickly understand, or see through those who give up halfway. I don’t want to become like that.
Are there moments where you suddenly feel “It might be impossible to fully dedicate your mind and body”?
There definitely are. I think this is also an element that adds to my anxiety. Although I have the desire to do something and the motivation to convey it, often I worry if “my body and spirit can keep up at that time”.
What do you mean by maintaining your body and spirit?
Um, maintaining means...For example, the MV for “WanteD! WanteD!” was shot quite early. Then 5 days later, filming for the movie was resumed. The first thing I had to do was change my hairstyle, and around 2 days later I returned to shooting. But on the day that shooting resumed, I had to shoot an important scene out of the entire movie. It was pretty close to shooting for “WanteD! WanteD!” so I felt anxious. “Although I want to do my best to convey it, there are still some parts that I don’t really understand,” I remember calling my manager every night (laughs).
Which parts did you not understand?
For example “Can I properly express this character?” or “Can I properly convey this work?”, and “Even though things work out in the end, am I causing trouble for everyone?”. I’m constantly worrying about this, and wondering “What should I do?”
This anxiety and lack of self-confidence seems to be closely linked to the etiquette and guideline of "Dedicating yourself completely". Do you feel this way?
Ahh, I think that if I were to do something, I need to properly convey it and I shouldn’t have an attitude of quitting halfway. Well, I was really like this back then...
It was only a few days later, right? About four days after filming "WanteD! WanteD!", Hirate returned to "The Fable", this must have been a very important period for Hirate. It’s not enough for you to just complete everything. From your own point of view, what state were you in starting from the shooting of "WanteD! WanteD!" to your return to "The Fable"? First, how was the shooting for "WanteD! WanteD!"?
I don’t remember what happened on the day of the shooting (laugh). Really...I have no recollection. It was probably because I was very concentrated. But sure enough, my desire of "wanting to convey" has not changed. Like I just said, the two of us talked about various topics beforehand, and I discussed in advance with the members of Mrs using Zoom. Since we decided to do it, when actually completing it [I] must carry on the will of the expresser. Although there is an added layer of pressure here, I didn’t want to compromise with anyone, and I didn’t want to compromise with myself...for some reason, I don’t remember how I got back home.
You don’t remember at all?
During shooting, there was a picture taken of me lying down and resting for a while, "Was there such a bed?" I don’t remember anything like this at all (laughs). In addition, there were also pictures of me eating ramen in the rest area, making me think "Ahh, so I ate this."
You don’t remember?
I don’t remember (laugh). What was next? “ViVi”? (Manager: The next day was post-recording for “The Night Beyond the Tricornered Window”)
You don’t remember this either?
I remember a bit about post-recording, after “WanteD! WanteD!” I had to become Hiura Erika from “The Night Beyond the Tricornered Window”. [I wondered] if it is really possible to do this? (laugh) But people on the team know me very well, so although they had to consider many adult affairs, in order to not increase my burden, they said to me: “It’s fine to think about things as they come up later”.
You were able to do it successfully.
Yes, but it was my first time doing post-recording, so I wasn’t sure what to do. The actual place felt like a wide recording studio. I wondered "What do I need to do here?". Although I remember struggling a bit, I improved my relationship with the person who directed my acting. I received all kinds of advice and I eventually did it with the help of everyone from the "The Night Beyond the Tricornered Window" team. And then I went to shoot for "ViVi" magazine. Although I didn’t have to talk and the clothes were provided by the magazine, I still wondered "Is it fine if I work in this state of exhaustion?". At that time, it was thanks to the help of the "ViVi" staff, plus my team’s makeup artist and my manager who were also there. With the atmosphere at the time and help from others, I felt that I eventually completed everything. Later, I went to a beauty salon while still in my hairstyle from "The Fable”...
During this time, did Hirate feel confused about anything?
Ah, weren’t things already messed up? (laugh) I don't remember very much... but I’ve always felt that this is definitely not something annoying, and I had a strong feeling of "I must do it". The cover shooting for "ViVi" magazine happened during the period where "WanteD! WanteD!" was released, and it contained some promotion for it. "Isn't it better to have a hairstyle like this?" was my own proposal. If I feel that I don't want to convey "WanteD! WanteD!", I can't maintain that sort of positive mood. I didn't know where the feeling of "Wanting to convey it" continued to grow from, but that’s what I did.
Why did you pay so much attention to those couple of days? You just said "Weren't things already messed up?", but even if you are in a panic, you still try to move forward. Wasn't it a brand new experience for Hirate?
No, unexpectedly it’s always this messed up (laugh).
Up until now, even if you’re in a panic, you still appear as you are in front of people. But this time, although you were still in a panic, haven’t you accepted something in your heart before taking action?
Ahh, that’s probably true. Although that is one reason, as expected it’s also due to the people around me. So I think, rather than saying that I’ve changed, isn't it because the environment has changed? Like the environment, the staff around me, isn’t it because of the help of those around me?
Do you become straightforward when others around you are talking and accompanying you? Maybe you become more accepting of yourself.
Um... how to put it... Isn't it because there are more people who understand me? I think so.
Which part of you does Hirate think can be understood and affirmed?
That’s so hard to answer-- (laughs). Eh-- what is it... I think that since I am this kind of person, I may not give a good impression. "She seems scary", "Will she talk to me?", there are probably a lot of people who normally focus on my negative aspects. Well, I can’t say that there's a single reason, although it’s alright, it’s just because "I can only think about conveying this work right now". I don’t expect to establish good relationships, or to be able to hold conversations, but when others can see my actions and gestures and then can think that I "consider the work as the most important thing", I will be very happy.
I see.
In fact, it takes me a lot of time to really open up to people. It’s faster for some, but those who take a lot of time will require more time. But once I open up, I can express a lot of my feelings and I’m probably tough to deal with. Aren’t humans really troublesome? (laughs).
Of course, although one reason is that you feel the people around you can understand you, within this isn’t there also Hirate’s own change? Can you understand where your heart lies now?
No, it's really because I have received too much help from everyone around me (laughs), it's really just this.
Is that so (laughs). Like, "To understand me" or "To come to understand me"?
Well, it's not clear whether it's reached the level of understanding, it’s more like to be seen as a human (laugh).
Can you explain this in more detail?
Eh--what is it, just normally--although I always feel like an alien (laughs), such as talking to me or calling my name, I am very happy even if someone just says hello to me (laughs). So, just doing this makes me very happy and grateful.
You have the feeling that "This is enough"?
Um... like "Ah, I got called by my name", "Ah, we met up in a normal way," and so on, I'm already very grateful if someone talks to me.
I see. With regards to the current topic, Hirate said uneasily that you have no self-confidence, which means it is difficult for you to be self-assured. I think difficulty in being sure about yourself is the biggest issue in Hirate’s life. First of all, what do you think when you hear this?
Well, not only do I think like this, I also think I have nothing that deserves to be praised. Even so, there are still times when I am praised, and I hear "You did well here" or "Hirate looks good here." Frankly, I can’t accept it at this time. Instead, I think “Really?”... I’m very sorry to everyone who is honest with me, but I’m really such a person. Once, Akimoto-san was angry with these thoughts of mine, so I could only repeatedly say "I'm sorry" and "I apologize." Akimoto-san criticized me and said that such thoughts are very rude to others, so don't think like this in the future. It happened at the beginning of this year. At that time, I replied, "You are right, I'm sorry", but I didn't actually change (laughs). I still think the same now.
Do you know why you think this way?
Well, maybe it’s because I don’t perform well. Although I often think about presenting a better performance, living up to everyone’s expectations, and working hard, the result is that I have never been satisfied with myself.
But if you really compromise with yourself first, won’t there be no way to go any further?
Ah, that's true. Creators are definitely not the first to accept their own works. That's why they keep thinking about "Working harder next time" and "Next time I should do a little bit more of this". Indeed, I have also been instructed to "Not make achieving full marks a goal", although sometimes I still think about it.
Everyone will have thoughts like, “I think I’ve done a good job and I’ve put in so much effort, so it doesn't matter what the result is." Because you worked hard, you tend to give yourself a positive evaluation.
Ah, I’ve never thought like this before (laughs). I don't quite understand this way of thinking.
Speaking more straightforwardly, for Hirate it has probably always been "I don't really want to understand it".
Yes, once you know something, it will become uninteresting... But on the other hand, it might be different if you know that you can see a different world in the future. I just reflect on myself every time, maybe there are people who can change themselves right away--these people probably exist, maybe they can clearly imagine "I want to try this next time".
Are you interested in a self who can see the future?
I don’t have such interest (laughs). In fact, I am more grateful for being able to collaborate with various people in the past and doing a lot of things together. Not only did I meet many artists, but also many staff. I learned a lot from them. For example, if you are a director, it’s not enough to stay in the back, you have to think about the “next step” by yourself. If you think about it this way, perhaps the director wants to pour their emotions into every shot. For example, small incidents such as the sun setting while shooting, I think the existence of people who consider the next step are necessary.
So you think you can’t learn to bear this kind of responsibility now?
Yes, that’s right...
In summary, I think being "Unable to self-affirm" which you mentioned earlier is not a weakness of Hirate, but an aspect of your personality. It’s just that it’s very painful to live like this, but that’s just my personal belief. As I said at the beginning, are you still slowly accepting this kind of pain, and feeling this change yourself?
Well, Akimoto-san has always been saying things to me since the past. He said that I need to "Get used to loneliness" and "Enjoy loneliness." Because [he] has always been saying this to me, there is probably nothing that can be done.
Then do you more or less understand it now? Why you are told to "Get used to loneliness" and "Enjoy loneliness"?
Meaning, [that I’m] lonely? (laughs)
Probably "because you seem to be such a person".
Hahaha. However, it’s true that I have never had thoughts such as "Someone is by my side", "Someone is supporting me", and "Everything will be fine if that person is here". On the contrary, I wonder “How did I become alone without realizing it?". I also lament "Since when have I been like this?"
The "loneliness" mentioned earlier is actually quite common nowadays, and it can be interpreted as self-complaints of "why can’t others understand me". But Hirate’s loneliness is likely more of a fundamental loneliness.
Eh~ I don't know (laugh). Indeed, if it’s like you’ve said, everyone is lonely. I think so too. What loneliness is more lonely than this? (laugh)
If you can’t even protect yourself, you won’t be able to achieve things like self-love.
“Self-love?”
It means that you don’t even have the desire for loving or treasuring yourself.
Loving yourself (laugh). Eh, I feel like I’ve seen this somewhere. “You must love yourself” or something. Eh, is self-love really necessary?
No, but it makes things easier. However, Hirate doesn’t seem to have a need for this (laugh).
Ahahaha.
Lonely people actually want to be loved. They say "Why doesn't anyone understand me", but still think "As expected, only I understand myself." In the case of Hirate, you’re probably thinking "How should I know, I don't even know what I think".
Ah, in my heart I might have already given up (laugh). Maybe I have already pressed the shutter myself (made a decision) while thinking, "I don't have to make everyone understand anyway."
But you are still working hard. In response to everyone's expectations.
Um... this might be straying from the topic. My expressive ability is very weak, like language, or speaking. If someone has been taking care of me like you have and I also trust them, it may be completely fine, but generally speaking, I still can't fully comprehend what I want to express through language. Because of this, I think it would be great if I can convey my thoughts through my works. I am not good at blogging and SNS, so works are more convenient. I don’t want to explain things in too much detail, I just hope that people who see [my works] can accept my feelings.
There’s a story in Buddhism about an old man who passed out on the road because of hunger. Animals brought food and surrounded the old man. The fox brought fruit from the trees, and the bear brought some fish he caught. The bunny brought nothing and came empty-handed. It picked up a bunch of twigs and set up a fire, then jumped in it and said "Please eat me".
Ehhh----
It feels like this has something in common with Hirate.
Hahahaha. I can't say that it’s not true (laughs). But how to put it, I think "everyone has their own ideas", and sometimes I think "you don't need to care about other people's ideas too much". So "anyway, go take a look at my work first.”
So, for the 19-year-old Hirate this year, what would be your answer if you’re asked what is "performance"?
…Since [I] exist in this world…it is necessary [that I] give some kind of existence to others…. I feel it is something that must be communicated to everyone.
So the meaning of performance for Hirate is more related to conveying information to the audience than self-satisfaction, right?
Yes, after all, I have a lot of things I want to express. Even so, it’s difficult to do, or in other words I’m not good at it. Also, sometimes I take a step back and think that it's better if I don’t explain too much and don’t fully express the emotions that I want to express.
Hirate, you turned 19 years old this year.
Yes, although I have no real sense of it at all.
Did you experience any changes after turning 19?
Not at all (laugh). There’s been no change at all. Nothing has changed on the inside and I still get called a "5-year-old kid" by the people on [my] team. I have no real sense of growing up and there isn’t anything that is particularly different. So it really feels like nothing has changed. At most, I feel that “In the end, age doesn’t matter that much”. Not only for myself, I also don’t pay attention to age when interacting with others around me. Of course there’re both pros and cons to this.
When you were interviewed for the first time at 15 years old, you said, "The current me only exists in the present. So please take a good look at me now. I will never be able to express this again when I am 16, 17 or 18 years old". When I heard what you said, I felt that this girl's words were so sharp. Thinking back to the feeling at that time, what kind of feeling do you have now?
It's the same now. Isn't it? (laugh).
What would the 19 year old Hirate say?
Eh. In this life I'm only 19 years old now, so... By the way, as expected newbies have a lot of guts, although I was only 15, I said "Please take a good look at me". How many fans does someone need to say such lofty words? (laughs)
But this does seem like something you would say (laughs).
Ahahaha. But right now I don’t have anyone that I can say “Please take a good look at me” to. I can’t say such lofty words (laughs).
Probably because the feeling of "everyone is looking at me" was strong, although this is both good and bad. You can't say such a thing anymore now?
Um... indeed. I was more confident then than I am now (laughs). How should I say it. I said that because I was full of confidence, or maybe it’s the opposite and I said that because I had no confidence, I’m not sure myself. I don’t know what will happen to me in the future, such as whether or not I will accomplish something big, but right now I can’t make predictions. So I can’t say stuff like “Please wait for me”.
Indeed, right now it doesn’t matter where you go.
Hahahaha.
After all, you are now free.
Ah, by the way, since I'm 19, I can take the driver's license test now. But no one will let me take the test, they all said "It'll be scary."
Do you want to take the test?
Yes, I really like the idea of driving by myself, my own car would be a space that completely belongs to me, right? Listening to music and going on an unplanned journey at the same time. But I feel like if I say it out loud I will get rejected even more (laugh). This is probably something that changed after turning 19. If I have a car, I can go anywhere. Although I can go anywhere without a car even now (laughs).
Today's interview is almost coming to an end. Speaking of Hirate Yurina from the Keyakizaka era, as expected she carried a lot of things on her back. You had to convey what the group wanted to show and what was expected of Keyakizaka. Therefore, there was a period of time when during interviews you would say "I must repay Keyakizaka".
Yes.
The next question might be difficult for you to express. Do you still have the same thoughts as you did at that time, or do you no longer have them?
Actually, people from various places such as the staff often say to me, "After you leave Keyaki, the burden on your shoulders can be removed" and "It will be a lot easier after going solo". I have also wondered "whether the burden has been unloaded slightly after leaving." But in reality, it's the opposite.
What do you mean by the opposite?
To follow up with what I just said, I haven’t let go of what I was carrying, even now.
You didn't let go, and you don't plan on letting go?
How do I say this, after being told that "The burden is removed", "Wasn’t the pressure really big?", "You have worked very hard", etc., I still hesitate. Especially sympathetic things like "It was really as you said”, "It was really hard before" and the feeling of "It's really easy now" have not occurred in my heart at all, probably this is how I feel.
There will always be people who understand you. Definitely.
Will there be? It may not have anything to do with what I said just now, but because of this, actually I feel that my thoughts don't seem to be understood. It's still hard now... In fact, my thoughts have always been "Clearly it hasn’t been removed."
Maybe my next question is not easy to answer. Keyakizaka was not a burden for you originally, right? From the conversation just now, I am more inclined to think that you believe life itself is not easy. Someone who can say "It was nothing originally" in a 20,000-character long interview is probably only Hirate yourself. So from when you joined Keyakizaka, to now after leaving Keyakizaka, you still haven’t removed the initial burden, right?
Ah, it does have a bit of this meaning.
It hasn't changed at all, this thing called burden? The feeling of "This was not caused by Keyakizaka, but was a burden that originally belonged to me", is there a part of this that you’ve already accepted?
When I was in Keyakizaka, as a member, there were indeed many things that I had to think about or I had to bear. But it’s more like you said, I was carrying my own [burden] originally. In the process, it slowly fermented and became heavier, or perhaps, I now wonder if it was originally this heavy.
Hearing what you said, I am also unable to judge whether this counts as changing, giving up, or accepting. I definitely felt a sort of conflicted feeling from you. Although I don't know how many more times I can interview you after this, I still want to slowly search for the correct answer.
Yes, it definitely is difficult.
In addition, on September 4th the documentary movie “Our Lies and Truth” will start screening. This documentary is probably the last chance to see Hirate as part of Keyakizaka46.
That’s right. For this documentary, I’ve been thinking that “If I’m asked about it in an interview, I would want to speak my thoughts”. I apologize, but could I use this ROJ interview as a chance to speak?
Of course.
To put it straightforwardly, I didn’t say a single word in this work. Since it documents the time when I used to be a member of Keyakizaka, my singing and performing figure as well as my words and actions will be shown. I think this will lead to various opinions. Despite this, I hope no one will attack those who have always supported someone like me, such as my manager, Akimoto-san, makeup artists, and staff members that I trust. Otherwise, that would pain me the most. Right, so, I hope that people won’t completely believe that all the things depicted and spoken in this work are true. As expected, it is very difficult for me to convey all the stories of this five-year period. Don't think that that is all there is, because many other things also happened...Recently, when chatting with my manager, I also said that "I hope there will be a day when I can tell everything
That’s what I’m thinking as well. It would be nice if there could be an occasion for it someday. When that day comes, Hirate would definitely also be more sure of yourself. Right now you likely are in no mood to speak.
Although I don't know when it will be, I don’t think that I will “keep silent forever”. No matter the type of work, even documentaries, are all glorified. Plus, the title of “Our Lies and Truth” wasn’t proposed by Akimoto-san, so there are some doubts about it. I would be very sad if viewers think that what has been shown up to now was a lie, and only what is shown in the documentary is the truth. But some people might say “Then Hirate, you should speak out”. To be honest, right now is not a good time, plus I also have personal reasons on a spiritual level. I’m very sorry and I’m feeling guilty inside. But I still hope that people will not think that only the content presented in the documentary is the whole truth.
I see. Ah, it’s already been 3 hours.
I had no idea that I would be asked to do the interview for today.
What nonsense are you saying? (laugh)
No, no, I mean, I haven’t released a CD or publicly announced anything, so when I received the news I was shocked and went “Eh?”. I’m really glad to have been asked to be interviewed, although I was a little nervous. I originally wanted to discuss a bit more about music-related things, but somehow while talking time is already up (laugh). Kinda scary.
Well then, see you next year (smile).
Yes, how should I say this…It was my pleasure. Thank you for today.
Thanks to Kiryu_00 for providing original magazine text.
